I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE

There was a time in my life when I wondered what this meant, the title of the post. I had so many people in my life that I wanted to please and this did not include myself. Although I was hurting, this was a time of the wicked baby father and his wicked woman and evil family, I wanted to forgive them all for making me cry, depressed and sad, always. I wanted everything to be ok, I wanted to laugh and be joyous, and be happy. I prayed for them to love me and wondered night and day why they didn’t. I realized after a while that they were uncomfortable when they hurt me and I spoke of the hurt, they never owned up to the pain they inflicted on me. The baby father had cheated and here came this woman who came with painful fangs and vile intentions, and I was supposed to accept it.

Then there was the mother in law who thought that I, an educated girl was not good enough for her drug dealer son, who never graduated from high school, never even went pass 9th grade. The evil daughters, his sisters joined their mother, and then when they realized that I had no mothers love they got my own mother to join them, all against me, while I needed a hug, yes, I would have even taken it from them. Please do not read this and believe that I am playing victim, human beings are so quick to judge and criticize, I was never a victim. I was one who had so much love in me and met upon people who had none to give me in return including the woman whose womb I came from. It was easy for all and everyone to make me their enemy, because in their eyes I was blessed. People thought I had no need to be sad or even complain. I was young and had a business, the baby father had a few change (some money), he was handsome and popular, to them I had it all. Yet I had nothing, this was how I felt, I was being tortured, I had never been happy but for my children, I asked God for help, and I just wanted a hug. I have no idea why I have gotten up this night and am writing this post, but sometimes the past blows in like an icy wind in at Christmas time in America and I cannot help but to remember the times when I cried everyday. My life must be used for others to learn from, so I will share and share and share even if you will only read and sigh and wonder at you computers.

Had I known then that what I passing through would make me a better person, one who understood life better and could teach others from it, especially my children, it would have been easier to withstand. I must also tell you that although I have learned my lessons from those experiences, it hurts and mist my eyes to remember them. There were days when I wondered if I would make it through. I have great compassion for all. and I do not treat people less than they are. I have been disappointed by so many, because it was not until I became an adult that I realized that ,most people on earth has an agenda. But a coward I never was, and I will be damned if I allow anyone to change me, because I have come to the realization in recent years that I love me, I love myself. I love who I am, and I am not who I could have been, due to the treatment of those wicked people which includes my own blood.

I am spontaneous, and sure I make mistakes, we all do. I trust and become happy when I see a smile or feel a pleasant response from people. Many people tell me that personality trait in me is a fault. A fault? I wondered at that for a while and try as I might, I still could not see the world and the people of it through suspicious eyes, but I must admit there are times when life calls for this. There were times in my life that perhaps I should have been suspicious, where I was taken advantage of, or thought I was, and was hurt by the whole ordeal, only to realize that I learned a great lesson because of it, the saying “No pain no gain” is quite true or Jamaican people say “Yuh pay fi learn”. But just like yesterday’s post, where I wrote that there are reasons why we all experience things, there are lessons to be learned from them, we must all stay awake, spiritually awake!. We must look at things which are current in the news and also learn from them. There are people, human beings who sacrifice their lives daily and it is to make the world learn from their lives and death, or whatever circumstances landed them in

Trayvon Martin’s and others like him, whole ordeal is a big lesson to those who can see through it. It has nothing to do with race (the lesson I mean, the spiritual part of it) but there are so many things this young man taught us through his dying, which might not have been untimely as we think but a way he chose to come here on this realm and teach as with others,……. (wisdom, try to grasp it). Many may not even understand this which I am writing, but when life become clearer to you, you will one day understand, I hope.

I am in control of my life, because gone are the days where I wanted everyone to be my friend or be nice to me, or to love me, or support me as I am quick to support others, or to treat me as I do them. Gone are the days where I expect a good morning response as I pass my neighbors by and greet them,( how good and pleasant for brethrens to live in unity…..). Things are not how they use to be, people are not the same, times have changed, the world has shifted, change has to come, it is a must, there is nothing we can do about it, we have to flow right on along. Deep down in the crevices of my mind, I want all of the things which I expect of man, I want to retract “gone are the days”, but I know now that life is challenging and a school. The lessons are hard but we have to learn however the universe sees fit to teach us. It has been a hard lesson, but one that needs to be cherished, because it helps you to gather your wits about you and forge on ahead, strong and in control as much as we can.

I am in control of my life, because although I do not expect all the things that I hoped for as I grew after realizing that certain things are just not meant to be, who I am and who I was born to be no one can change. No one can make me resentful, hateful  deceitful, unloving, revengeful, selfish, a liar, a wicked person, a betrayer, backstabber, a person filled with jealousy, rage, having no conscience,or having no gratitude to another for their goodness or the goodness within them. No one can remove what is instilled in me, what is innate in me, because of their behavior toward me. No one can change who I am, no matter how they treat me, or how abusive they may be with me, in front of me and even behind me, the wind blows in all directions, and it whispers the truth to all who can hear it well, I will always be who I am, therefore I am in control.

Àgbẹ̀ roko má gbinkà tó lóun dá ikún lóró, ikún kọ́ ló dá lóró, ara ẹ̀ ló dá lóró. /
A farmer who ploughed his farm, but planted no seed believing he’s hurting the ground squirrel, hasn’t really hurt the squirrel but himself.

[Be forward looking; Vindictive actions can be self-hurting]

All religion are valid as long as it teaches peace and love…. Obara Meji!

There are no disappointments in life, only lessons learned!….Obara Meji